So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
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