Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
