moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
