my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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