i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
How's work?
Spinning.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Randomize
