My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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