I think I won the penis lottery.
that girl last night was a 15
wait she was 15?
no like black jack not sure if you should hit it
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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