9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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