dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize