I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
I want to fling myself into the sun
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Randomize
