Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
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