Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
party gras won. party gras always wins.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Randomize
