We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
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