just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
