i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Randomize
