clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
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