i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
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