Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
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