Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
He has the fingertips of a God
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