it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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