Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
Randomize