how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
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