When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Randomize
