peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
