So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
me + whiskey = a bad person
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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