worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
