She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Randomize
