You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize