sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
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