the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Randomize