Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Randomize
