They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
And then he peed in my hair
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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