YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
