So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
I want her autograph on my taint
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
