We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Randomize
