i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
The adults are the big ones right?
Randomize
