If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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