You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
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