im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Randomize
