so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Randomize
