Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
