i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
