Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
