i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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