The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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