Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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