This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I have tasted many bathrooms
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
