Yes. UR adorable in a weird way.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
