Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
