In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
