My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
