my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
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