she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Randomize
