I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
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