I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Randomize
