all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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