You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
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