please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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